Hello Mr. Rejection

Rejection. It doesn’t even sound good when you say it. Some words like love and joy roll right off your tongue and make you smile. Not rejection. It crashes into the back of your throat hits your tongue and the roof of your mouth before it spills out with ugliness.

I don’t think that in forty years I had ever experienced true rejection. It wasn’t until ten months ago that I received a striking blow that I’m still recovering from. Somebody broke my heart. I know, everyone’s had their heart broken. Not like this though. Not that I’d ever seen.

The love story: Over the course of about two years I felt like I was in a territory that no other human had ever experienced. Love, wonderful love. What a magical little drug!  Little did I know that going to such heights would set me up for my biggest fall. Playing with fire is fun until someone puts out your flame.

Until recently I kept asking myself why I was still in pain. I’ve moved on and I live a very happy life, but why the pain? I ran through all of the possibilities. Pining away for a lost love? No. Could I imagine myself running back into the arms of the one who rejected me? No. Could I even imagine hugging him or looking him in the eye? No. So what did I want? I wanted answers but there are none to be found. I have to believe that my Creator had other plans for me and, although it hurt like hell, I was destined to be on another path.

I know I still have a bit more mending to do due to the fact that I can’t stand the sound of my former partner’s name. I don’t know what I would do if I ever ran into him. Would I have enough gracefulness within me to nod and keep walking? I would like to think so.

I am a why person which tends to get me in trouble from time to time. A new rule on the books receives a why? from me. If an animal suffers because of someone’s ignorance, why? Why do two negatives make a positive? If I withdraw money out of my bank account twice that doesn’t mean that I suddenly have a deposit.

Through this acceptance of rejection I have had to learn to quell the why voice. I may never know the reason, but deep down in the thinking part of my brain, I’m sure I know why. I had actually lowered my standards to be with this person. I was giving up a lot of myself to make this person happy. I did learn a lot during the relationship. I learned things that I still use. I learned self-respect and I learned to fight fair without letting my anger get the best of me.

I had a good run, not having met rejection until I was forty. Hopefully the why voice will become more and more quiet as it pertains to rejection.

Peace from the Rogue Mare

In the beginning…..

When I first sat down to write I received a rush of insecurity when thinking about how folks might pick apart my misuse of commas, under-developed knowledge about religion or politics and any other area I may decide to blog about. How sweet it is to know that I chose to blog about being human. As humans we all have different ideas, levels of intelligence, levels of compassion and we understand God to be many different things. To be human is a walk of tolerance, war, suffering and don’t forget joy.

This blog is open to anyone’s enjoyment, criticism, release of anger or if you feel that I need to educated on a certain topic. The topic of who God is will be tricky though if your intent is to sway me. The price is firm on that one. These are my words and I will be more in tune with others by expressing myself this way.

Thanks to all of my fellow humans out there for walking with me through this life. May we enjoy one another’s differences and learn to play well with one another.

Peace from the Rogue Mare