And the power has shifted…..

Power is a wonderful thing to have. Power: ability to do or act; capability of doing or accomplishing something. Control is good for some but others want nothing to do with it. Control:to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

I know that my readers do not need an English lesson but the topic of this post had me grasping for the proper word to employ. Power won. Ability, accomplishment, those two words infer nothing but positive energy and that is all I need at this point in my life.

If you have read my previous posts, then you are aware that I contacted my lost love. I didn’t know how I was going to feel in the days following that contact and that is the purpose for this post. I feel empowered. I feel like I am able to look at things through the panoramic lens (which is how we should always envision our life).

He hasn’t attempted to contact me which could mean one of two things. It could mean that he is on such a high horse that he really doesn’t have any feeling left for me whatsoever, but here’s what I think, I think he knows he could never get me back. He knows that I’m gone. He knows that I was a weak soul when he caught me and that I’m too far out of reach for him to be able to capture me. It is ever so easy to catch a bird with a broken wing, but try to capture a peregrine falcon that is swooping at two-hundred miles an hour! Yes, this mare has wings and she’s flying.

I have no regrets for my actions. People in pain are always looking for comfort. The love story now has its ending and it’s an ending that I created, not him. I took the power, I have the conn.

Peace from the Rogue Mare

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Porn Star Dancing

Okay, the title has pretty much nothing to do with my writing. I hit shuffle on the old iTunes and that’s the song that was playing when I decided to start typing. Caught your attention though.

I’ve had this urge to write a letter to the one who broke my heart. There’s no way I would ever send it because it would only serve to feed that person’s already over-inflated ego.

I’m going to give you fair warning here and let you know that this is a no holds barred piece. You might come away saying I’m bitter or give me advice to just let it go. Those are great words. Legalizing/decriminalizing marijuana are great words as well, but putting it into action is, well, pretty impossible. I’ll save my marijuana thoughts for another day. Hopefully the DEA won’t come knocking. They would leave sad and empty handed.

Here goes nothin.

To the one who threw me away like garbage:

Our relationship began as a friendship. That’s very important because I felt like you already knew me and I knew you. I knew that you lived with your mom in a trailer that had no air conditioning or heat. I knew that you never even went to middle school because you were too overweight to wear a belt to school. I saw the dead roaches on the counter and saw the mice on the porch. You knew how many times I had been married and the domestic abuse I had survived. You knew that I had two children and that I threw things when I got mad.

Instead of looking at you as someone who was beneath my standard of living, I looked at you as a person who saw what they wanted and went for it. You never knew this, but one day I was taking a nap in your bed and I awoke to overhear you and your mom talking in the kitchen. “Are you sure about that?” “Yes, mom. I’m as sure about her as I am about being a police officer.” It was then that I trusted you completely. You were sure. You were going to be there until the end. I trusted you so much that I poured every penny of my divorce settlement and my retirement into making a home for us. I sold my vehicle. I bought you guns, knives, legos, anything you wanted. I put in a pool, I built a deck, I fenced in our property and fenced a yard for our dogs.

I put up with your mind games. The ones where you demanded that I tell you that I loved you more than anyone I ever loved in my life. The ones where you would talk about how fabulous you were and how every woman on the planet adores you. I watched you admire yourself in every passing mirror you could find. Funny thing is, I was not attracted to you physically. I was attracted to your heart.

I put up with those things because of the way you smiled at me every day. If I wore my hair in braids you would tell me how cute I was. You were always happy to see me. You called me your princess. You loved the lyrics to music the way that I loved them. You saved me from myself sometimes. You taught me to respect myself. You taught me to defend myself. You taught me how to properly handle firearms and I have a pretty tight pattern now. You made me stop throwing things when I get mad, which is your biggest accomplishment yet! When we went to the beach and had bought an umbrella without a “pokey” end, you dug a hole with your hands to make sure I had some shade. You could make the most delicious food out of nothing! You filled a place in my heart shortly after my dad passed away. I thought you were so much like the greatest man I’d ever known. I guess I was wrong.

For some reason, which I assume I’ll never know, you suddenly decided that I was insane. Unfit to live with. You didn’t want me any longer. You broke off our engagement through a text message while you were in the middle of a shift at work leaving me at home to go crazy. Thank heaven for my family and close friends who were there in a flash. They stayed with me until I was ready to go to sleep. Thank God I had somewhere to go because at that point I had no money and no vehicle. I left within three days. I was responsible. I took only what I came with or purchased. I left you with a bed and your beloved guns and the $800 gun safe that I bought.

Some people say that I over-reacted. That I should have stayed. Stay? With someone who doesn’t want to marry me? You don’t go from engaged and back to “living together”. You don’t get the cow or the milk at that point.

I’ve been told that you still openly discuss the fact that I’m crazy, insane, whatever to people who used to be my friends. I don’t think that’s fair. I don’t know the reason for it. Your niece has said horrible things about me as well. That’s very sad. I remember buying her a beautiful dress and shoes to match for her graduation from high school. I remember taking you, her sister and her to Emeril’s for a lovely dinner after her graduation. What did I get in return? Ugliness from both of you.

I’ll get over the pain one day. I know that I will. I live a good life and I’m happy being where I am now. I just wanted you to know how I feel/felt about you, about us, about how unfair it all seems. Life isn’t fair. I’m on a path to somewhere. Maybe it’s somewhere that I never would have reached if you were in the way. Maybe you’re going somewhere in life that I shouldn’t be. So many maybes. Maybe I’ll never know.

I have no idea how I feel about you now. I don’t think I could ever look you in the eyes and have a conversation. I don’t think I would want to give you the satisfaction of being in my company again. I’m pretty special and I know it. Women are special as a whole. They adapt for their mates, they comfort, they entertain.

Not ending this letter with love or regards. Simply ending it. I may write to you again. I might not.

To all who read this, Peace from the Rogue Mare

Dark Places of My Heart

Maybe it’s the holidays or maybe it’s the nearing anniversary of my father’s passing. All I know is that I feel as if my heart has been turned inside out like a pillowcase and all that is exposed are the dark corners. These places are so dark that you cannot see your hand in front of your face. Do we all have these dark places or do I carry with me an ever-shaded hitchhiker that taunts me from time to time?

I try to appease myself, calm myself, and find my center when this aphotic cloud emerges. Some would say this is depression. I don’t think so. It’s more of a tugging restlessness that pushes its way into my soul. Television doesn’t help. I can’t focus on reading a book. I’m just being tossed about right now. Soon enough the waves will stop crashing and there will be peace again.

I attend college and I’m on winter break right now. I think that leaves too much time for my mind to go haywire. They say that idle hands are the devil’s workshop but an idle mind is vulnerable to self destruction.

It doesn’t help that I’ve allowed anger to move back into my life. I’m still angry at someone who hurt me. I don’t know where to put that energy or how to use it for my own good. I talk people through this sort of thing all the time but I can’t take my own medicine. A very dear friend of mine told me to stop letting people “rent space in my head.” I loved it when she said that and it makes total sense. The people who insist on hurting me don’t deserve a moment of my precious thinking…… but that’s easier said than done.

Those of you that have read my other posts know that this one is a bit unusual. It doesn’t have a focus. It doesn’t have a theme. It’s simply my inside-out heart on a page. Maybe it will help someone else or maybe these words will leave the tips of my fingers and I will once again find concilation.

Peace from the Rogue Mare

Hello Mr. Rejection

Rejection. It doesn’t even sound good when you say it. Some words like love and joy roll right off your tongue and make you smile. Not rejection. It crashes into the back of your throat hits your tongue and the roof of your mouth before it spills out with ugliness.

I don’t think that in forty years I had ever experienced true rejection. It wasn’t until ten months ago that I received a striking blow that I’m still recovering from. Somebody broke my heart. I know, everyone’s had their heart broken. Not like this though. Not that I’d ever seen.

The love story: Over the course of about two years I felt like I was in a territory that no other human had ever experienced. Love, wonderful love. What a magical little drug!  Little did I know that going to such heights would set me up for my biggest fall. Playing with fire is fun until someone puts out your flame.

Until recently I kept asking myself why I was still in pain. I’ve moved on and I live a very happy life, but why the pain? I ran through all of the possibilities. Pining away for a lost love? No. Could I imagine myself running back into the arms of the one who rejected me? No. Could I even imagine hugging him or looking him in the eye? No. So what did I want? I wanted answers but there are none to be found. I have to believe that my Creator had other plans for me and, although it hurt like hell, I was destined to be on another path.

I know I still have a bit more mending to do due to the fact that I can’t stand the sound of my former partner’s name. I don’t know what I would do if I ever ran into him. Would I have enough gracefulness within me to nod and keep walking? I would like to think so.

I am a why person which tends to get me in trouble from time to time. A new rule on the books receives a why? from me. If an animal suffers because of someone’s ignorance, why? Why do two negatives make a positive? If I withdraw money out of my bank account twice that doesn’t mean that I suddenly have a deposit.

Through this acceptance of rejection I have had to learn to quell the why voice. I may never know the reason, but deep down in the thinking part of my brain, I’m sure I know why. I had actually lowered my standards to be with this person. I was giving up a lot of myself to make this person happy. I did learn a lot during the relationship. I learned things that I still use. I learned self-respect and I learned to fight fair without letting my anger get the best of me.

I had a good run, not having met rejection until I was forty. Hopefully the why voice will become more and more quiet as it pertains to rejection.

Peace from the Rogue Mare